Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
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My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say