[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings