starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
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My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Butt weight. There’s more!
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love