[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
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CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Can. I. Help. You.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
You deplete me