[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
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I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Owl Sanctuary
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.