[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
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I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
*offers Batman cough drops*
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*