[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
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The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Body by sandwich.