*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
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Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)