Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry