*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
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Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it