*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Weirdos gonna weird.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking