*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*