*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Meow
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though