*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
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Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
pictures of spider-man
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*