[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
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My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.