Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
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[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
*watches the world burn*
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you