Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
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wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…