Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight