Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
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I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??