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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
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I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.