[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
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if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.