Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
You Might Also Like
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
monday
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.