[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
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she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face