Start the year as you intend to continue.
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Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks