Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
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How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Found the job I’m suited for
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
This makes total sense…
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”