Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
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It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
first you must answer his riddles
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity