Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
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a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
#dnd #ttrpg
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME