Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
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6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey