Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
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Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
OH. COME. ON.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks