Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
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i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I feel this so hard
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.