Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
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If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
hmm conte-me mais
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.