Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
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Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework