Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
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she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.