Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
oh u like geography? name every lake
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
You’ll be OK
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”