Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
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Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble