starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
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Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING