Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
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Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
when you order from DoorDastardly
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
“I’m helping” 😅
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
decorating my apartment
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: