@robotrowboat

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

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@LackOfShame

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

@LeonEarlgrey

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

@PrisonCookies

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

@LostFelicia

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

@WetMascara

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

@iAmDelFreaky

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

@deloisivete

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

@JimGaffigan

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

@ceejoyner

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

@captaincoximus

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep