Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

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Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.


I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.


You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment


I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.


I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.


I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.


My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough


“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.


For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.


Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep