Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Scream sneezers need love too.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.