Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
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The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.