Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
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I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.