*Starts a rage yodeling group.
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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Straight people are cancelled
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Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I know this now 😂
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I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
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Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.