[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
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Are you a cat person or a person person?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My kitchen overserved me.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button