*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
You Might Also Like
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
This took me a second..
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets