*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
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CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.