*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
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People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.