[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
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Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Peace was never an option
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??