Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10