@_SouthernMama

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

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@ch000ch

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

@flashember

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

@Kadayo_Takamini

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

@SteveSuckington

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

@dumbbeezie

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

@Andysimpson74

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

@JohnLyonTweets

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?