@mdob11 Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
@_SouthernMama (Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
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@mdob11 
@TheTweetOfGod I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
@ch000ch when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
@flashember ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
@Kadayo_Takamini She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
@SteveSuckington [2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
@dumbbeezie The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
@reallifemommy3 I’m not wrong
@Andysimpson74 Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
@JohnLyonTweets Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?