Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.