*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
🤣🤣
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
stand with me against insufficient seating
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Sell your car
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox