*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
You Might Also Like
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down