[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
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As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.