[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
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hmm conte-me mais
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
The honesty is refreshing
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My blood type is coffee.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.